We don’t appreciate people enough;
a case for seeing the goodness in the norm.
issue iv.
The world depends on everyone doing what is expected of them — sometimes at the barest minimum. Our attempt to live up to these expectations makes us show up for people, fulfil a responsibility, or engage in habitual routines — no matter how little or mundane. Everything we do contributes to the ‘norm’ and upholds the world, whether personal, social, or cultural.
Therefore, when someone is doing their job, or what you consider normal or sensible, they are living up to the required expectations. Whether they willingly choose to be in that capacity, paid to or forced by circumstances, their ability to do as expected keeps the wheels of life spinning. Their failure, however, can cause a monumental problem for one or many. We bet on people to do the expected thing in more ways than we realise and the stake is often higher than we recognise.
A patient entrusts their lives to doctors. Children depend on their parents for everything in the early stages of their lives without doubting their commitment. A mom leaves her kids with a nanny trusting they will be cared for. Your partner can leave you to care for the home in their absence. Your sense of security exists because a guard stands at the gate. You expect access to your money in the bank when you need it. Your boss relies on you to do your job, just as you expect fair compensation. These unspoken agreements form the human experience.
This is why virtues exist — to guide decency in interactions, and society frowns at irresponsibility. Friends feel betrayed by disloyalty. Employers are infuriated by unreliable and underperforming employees. Partners are heartbroken by infidelity. Families are disappointed by rebellious actions. Citizens protest bad governance.
Ironically, the world can afford to accommodate an overwhelming number of irresponsible people because of the number of those who choose to be responsible. Thinking about this leaves with you a deep sense of appreciation for people’s goodness. Goodness is not rare. It lives with us every day. It is evident in the altruistic act of helping the poor as much as in a craftsman doing what they are paid to do.
Many actions that impact our lives are not the grandest; they are everyday things. And to be truly grateful, you need to see them. So when your subordinate does their work well, acknowledge it. When the cashier attends to you politely, thank them. If appreciation is reserved only for grand efforts, romantic, professional, or personal relationships will suffer from a culture of ingratitude. If you only ‘talk’ to your partner, or employee is when they are wrong, you may be more problematic than you realise.
Interestingly, humans are wired to respond to appreciation with more effort. That is how the will to do more and supersede expectations is built. As the father of American psychology, William James puts it:
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Simply put, the need for recognition and appreciation influences human behaviour.
The point of all these is to build a culture of noticing and appreciating the little things, even for expected efforts. And when people fall short? Appreciate current efforts while setting higher expectations. Demand more from them while acknowledging their commitment. Raise the standard but don’t forget to applaud the will. Hold people accountable, but in your dealings, maintain grace. Your response should reflect who you are, not just what they deserve.
