Trauma response

issue i.

Like grief, poverty stays with you: It never leaves.

I was only 9 when I started to help my mum manage her phone call-as-a-service and recharge card business in her absence. She was job hunting. Before she started her business, she was a school teacher who lost her job after having my baby sister. I followed her to the interview centres to babysit my sister while wondering why grown-ups were sitting for recruitment exams.

When she gave up her hunt, she started the business. I’d sit under the MTN umbrella and table with Zain-branded chairs to sell recharge cards and hand over our Nokia 3310 to customers who needed to make calls. One minute was N20 and for every minute the cost doubled. I’d take stock of what networks are available and which aren’t so I can buy wholesale. Every time the account was balanced, I was rewarded with N20. Otherwise, I would return the N20 I made the previous day.

My dad worked with Aquadana and later started a business centre, doing photography, passport, photocopy, ID card production, computer training and selling stationery materials. I started assisting him during my long holidays after returning from boarding school since my mum, after hiring someone didn’t need me.

So, based on my background and frequent involvement with my parents’ hustles, I knew the value of money, we didn’t have much and I was a frugal spender. It is true I didn’t lack anything essential but as I grew with my siblings, the responsibilities became enormous, and things started to change. The series of events that followed made me realise that we’ve always been on the edge, it was just a matter of time and a bad economy.

My relationship with money is layered. I have a low-risk appetite compared to some of my peers, debits make me a little anxious, I have an aversion to debts, and I’m always in haste to settle all my financial obligations to know what I have left. Most times, I save for no reason and I put all my money into anything I want to do. I have the compulsive need to calculate my finances and justify every dime spent and no matter how much I make, I tell myself I am only one crisis away from rock bottom and nobody will save me.

A few years ago, if you asked me why I was like that, I’d respond with, what do you expect from a boy who earns little? I do not have much, especially now that the economy is much worse, but I am better than before. Perhaps it is the ailing economy or the fear of losing it all, and becoming the disappointment you did not want to be; some young people I know doing well for themselves do not feel secure in their accomplishments, especially finances.

Sometime last year, a friend asked me if I ever get anxious about spending money even if my account was okay. It is that situation where your mood involuntarily swings along with your finances. One minute, you are excited about the one million in your account, and the next, you are sad, or cranky because of a debit.

One concept that explains this is the traumatic response to money. In this case, even with relative financial stability, if you grew up having little money or you’ve been through different phases where you didn’t have money, you are likely to be worried that you could go broke again. I can relate to this on many levels.

Three weeks ago, one of my friends reminded me of a day I casually mentioned that I had not eaten a good meal in a week. This was a couple of years back. She was confused that I wouldn’t ask anyone for help and then go to my hostel to take garri with tap water. We laughed about some ridiculous things I did, difficult situations I endured, and opportunities I gave up due to lack of money. I am sure we all have those types of stories. Perhaps, I will write on one of them.

Back to the traumatic response to money. The concept explains other habits such as compulsive spending, underspending, excessive risk-aversion, insatiable risk-taking, gamblings or spending toward being accepted (please love and accept me) which this writing doesn’t address. But, when someone exhibits any of these spending traits, they likely had a traumatic experience that skewed their relationship with money.

I learned from Morgan Housel’s psychology of money that doing well with money has little to do with how smart I am and everything to do with my behaviour. Poverty is not just the absence of money; it is mental bondage that holds captive the most determined man. It is important to unlearn the unhealthy financial habits formed in response to an ugly experience.

Money is wild and it can only be tamed when you know it. Money has wings but can be clipped or made to fly to your preferred destination. You have to be confident that even if you lose it all today, you can start over again and make as much as you have now and more.

So here is the question: How much do you and I know money? I don’t know if there is anything called money therapy but maybe many of us may need it. Commitment to financial literacy such as learning investment, savings and understanding how macroeconomic factors affect you is also important.

Are we all going to be rich? I do not know, I am sure some are already rich, some are comfortable, and many others like me don’t even have a place to stand, but it doesn’t matter because we are all hustlers. We can start by breaking down trauma responses that trigger unhealthy relationships with money and while at it, give yourself some credit.

I will conclude with another quote by Morgan Housel. He said:

The accidental impact of actions outside your control can be more consequential than the ones you consciously take.

I have made my peace knowing that not everything is within my power to manage or predict. May the odds continually be in our favour!