#MyNYSC Twenty Cents of Experience
Kitchen, Volley and Everything That Breaks The Bugle
“This is a regimented environment. Everything you need to do, and when you have to do them, has been programmed. Ensure to be on your best behaviour.”
This is the paraphrased version of the official announcement that came out of the speaker in the early hours of the morning.
We were all gathered on the parade ground wearing white shirts, shorts and rubber shoes. We also had the official NYSC cap and a waist pouch on.
Right then, it felt like Squid Game but without its horror. And of course, the grand prize was a fixed and non-taxable 33 thousand naira.
If you haven’t read The Philosophy of Time, Place & Everything In-between, you’ve lost ten cents already. There’s only one way to redeem them; go and read it here.
You see, truly the camp is a regimented environment and only a few people can evade all the lined up activities. A typical day starts at 4:30am, and ends at 10:30pm with lights out.
Sometimes your depth, grace & intellect won’t bail you. You’ll be humbled.
The first few days at camp, I had no choice but to join in the parade rehearsals ahead of the swearing-in ceremony. After that, I started to think of ways to evade subsequent parade rehearsals for the inter platoon parade competition and subsequently, the camp’s Passing Out Parade which I was not interested in.
There were several options.
The OBS, Redcross, Man’O War, Social Committee and the other guys that weren’t different from school prefects (COVID-19 Vanguards, Sanitation etc.). It’s nothing personal. Either way, it appeared that one would have to choose a struggle. But I didn’t want to struggle.
I had tried joining the OBS on the first day. Debbie and Onyinye, two of my coursemates in UNILAG who were in the camp with me had earlier hinted that I may end up being frustrated.
True to their words, the NYSC official didn’t grant me an audience when I went to make enquiries. I thought it was rude, to say the least. But, I wasn’t going to back down. It was the only way to avoid parades.
So, I tried again by writing a news report on the Tuesday morning assembly as instructed by the camp’s Information Officer, but upon submission, it became glaring that I wouldn’t be able to work with the person in charge.
Not his fault, I mean he was probably aware that every Tom, Dick & Harry wanted to join the OBS, not because they were skilled in media affairs, but to evade the rigorous drills. I believe he tried to frustrate many people’s efforts for this reason and he was successful. At least, I lost interest.
Here was I, a peccable writer with good editorial expertise and media experience. I had just told myself this unit would probably not be able to handle having an expert with so much grace, depth and intellect. I am the shit, or so I thought. Mezz up!
While I couldn’t totally evade what seemed like the unending parade rehearsals before the swearing-in ceremony, I mapped out how to evade it post-swearing in.
My Platoon Inspector who had in our first meeting said everyone must be a part of all platoon activities, jokingly hinted that the next 17 days are packed and may be an opportunity for people to dodge activities.
Fingers working good
I joined the kitchen which was fun, or at least I thought. Tega, David, Mahmud and I. helped with blending the corn for pap. While Mahmud did the most stressful part of the job, (fingering the corn out of the machine) my job was to make sure it was perfectly moist for processing.
Perhaps it was the innuendos racing in my head that made it fun, because the work wasn’t exactly chilled. But, it was better than being at the morning parade.
For the record, Tega ghosted kitchen duties. Of course, he was there and did one or two. But he is perfectly good at doing nothing without anyone noticing he’s idle. And that was what I needed to learn.
By the way, Tega is a brilliant sound producer and cinematographer, trust me. I’ve listened to some of his sounds and seen a couple of his media projects. He recently performed magic with the Bridgerton theme song. If you need his service, let me know.
Anyways, after that kitchen experience, I knew I wasn’t going back there, so I had to come up with other stuff that wasn’t parade.
First, I got a Red Cross tag from a magnanimous medical student, Uchenna who works in the clinic so I could go around freely identifying myself as a Red cross member without doing a thing.
Gerald Odogwu, the popular foreign student in camp who later became my favourite roommate, gave me a golden rule.
This was it: When you are asked to double up and join an activity, don’t say a thing. Just use your index finger to call the official’s attention to your Red cross badge.
Did it work? Honestly I don’t know because nobody ever challenged me. The only time I get to remove it is when there’s an actual emergency, now that sounds bad. But yes, I did that once during camp. Details will make me look bad, so I’ll avoid telling you.
Second, I joined in room sanitation. The advantage was that when everyone left, you’d stay behind for as long as possible. Yes, you’d assist the cleaners by sweeping & mopping your room, but that isn’t even up to an hour because you’d have up to four or five people with you. I did this and even positioned myself to be in charge of my room’s sanitation for the day.
Third, I tagged along with the female volleyball team. I had introduced the seemingly reserved Tega to the Platoon leaders as a badass Volleyball player even if I didn’t know that.
Our baby boy & Asst. Platoon Leader, Bobola; Ayooluwa (Ilorin fresh boy); David Camo and I. joined in Volleyball training. I actually never trained, I just sat and watched them or watched movies. I started and finished two movie series at camp. I’m bad like that.
Side Note: Let it be on record that Ayooluwa as coach, bottled the platoon’s chances of competing in the football tournament by clinging to a love interest that many found cute, especially this writer. I actually had my doubts about him. He was too fresh with the ‘I can’t come and die vibe’ for a coach.
Anyways, Tega started to coach the team and to his credit, Platoon 3 female volleyball team won gold, after about four unbeatable runs. Luckily, the training and matches were spread across the second week to the final week.
I volunteered for the inter-platoon drama, dance & comedy competition. Though it didn’t exactly exempt me from the parade, it was still a fit in the big plan.
And lastly, on some occasions, I mixed with people from other platoons far from mine, usually end-to-end. I also stopped using my NYSC ID card which could easily announce what platoon I was.
Break the Bugle
In the final week of the orientation camp, I figured something which later helped me to avoid every activity altogether.
I stayed back in the hostel three times after the bugle had been blown. I missed out on assemblies and lectures, it was too easy. In fact, there was a day I went back to sleep after having my bath at 4:30am and didn’t wake up till 9am.
Then I watched movies till 4pm, and still didn’t participate in the evening activities. How?
The soldiers don’t force you out of the rooms. They just come in and ask you to hurry up. All you have to do is to pretend as though you’re dressing up when they come in. Thing is, if you go back to bed they may not notice, except days when they check every room, that never happened to me though. I don’t know how to explain it in detail, but it’s risky.
There was a day I did this and almost ran out of luck. I had just received the J&J COVID-19 vaccine which had a bad effect on me. I was terribly weak and felt sick, so I stayed behind.
I slept for hours, stabbing a 5-hour lecture.
But back at the stadium where the lecture was held, people had started to leave before they were officially dismissed. The Information Officer, who seemed pretty vexed, ran after the fleeing corpers, some of which had entered the hostel.
So, he instructed that they should be locked inside and that meant everyone inside was in big shit. The Camp Commandant, a Major who had been perceived to be strict, became the messiah who pleaded for everyone.
But you know what? While all these drama ensued, I was peacefully asleep.
Stay with me as I unravel what may interest you. #MyNYSC Thirty Cents of Experience:
